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Joke of the Day

"I hate when I'm checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him."

"Had to sober up in a hurry this morning so I chugged a few Coors lights."

"boy: you have really pretty eyes... me: *suspicious* thank you...??? boy: *leans in slowly* me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!"

"Joker: You're endangering a minor Batman: He's my partner Joker: Why's he in his underwear? Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me."

"The only bad thing about most people is having to interact with them."

"When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains. It was a dangerous time, full of microbes."

"a neanderthal scrawls a message on a cave wall, the etchings begin to glow red as he exceeds 140 characters"

"Why do jews have such big noses. Because air is free."

"I was on a date with a girl and she said ""did you notice my finger nails?"" And I was like ""yes"" and she was like ""well I have no arms"""

"The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers"