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Joke of the Day

"I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle."

"I don't really care for the New England Patriots, but Lance Armstrong used a deflated ball for years and no one said anything."

"God wouldn't have made children so short if he didn't want you to fart in their faces."

"Did you know that 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old girl with a fat ass."

"My wife is playing hard to get. Rid of."

"Why did Sally the Sloth sleep in all day? Because her crippling depression leaves her unable to function properly."

"She thinks I drink all day when she's at work. I don't... I stop just before she gets home"

"ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I'd like to speak to your manager"

"I hate and despise violence In fact, the very thought of it makes me want to beat the shit out of someone"

"Hitler has heard that the Americans have liberated Normandy Hitler: It's over Eva. Everything's a disaster. We might as well call this Disaster Day. Eva: Why not just call it D-Day?"