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Joke of the Day

"Why does John Cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick? Because the Doctor can never see him."

"*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate* *smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*"

"How do you foil a plan? (p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln"

"Why does Hillary Clinton want to be president? She also wants to get a blow job in the oval office"

"I played Dodgeball... I got Bullied.... I ate Gluten... I didn't get Participation Trophies... I turned out fine... So will your kid..."

"What game do you play with a gospel choir? Where's Whitey?"

"""Where does it hurt?"" the doctor asked. ""Right Ear"" replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle."

"I'm terrible at directions Fuck me, left!"

"Scientists are now saying they may never discover what LinkedIn is for."

"Scientists say, six out of seven dwarves are not happy. -- As seen on QI."