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Joke of the Day

"I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers. America needs a first lady."

"What did they say about the guy who woke up and jerked off on his alarm clock every day? He always came on time."

"I wanted to learn about amputees on Wikipedia But I didn't learn much, because the article was a stub."

"What do you call a French bathroom with a bomb in it? Linoleum Blownapart"

"[hits you in the face with newspaper] ""Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars."""

"whats a vampires teabag? tampons (used of course)"

"Some mornings I just want to brew the coffee directly into my mouth."

"War: what is it good for? Resource acquisition, eliminating your enemies, blowing stuff up, feeling like a big man. So, lots actually."

"What car does the Loch Ness Monster drive? A Ford F-tree-fiddy"

"Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it."