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Joke of the Day

"Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house."

"Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn't have an entire section labeled ""Teen Paranormal Romance."""

"RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom"

"Sometimes when people text me ""K"", I like to text them ""L- omg you next!!"""

"If you plan a surprise party for me, I'll freak out that you mixed friends from all the separate facets of my life, and start killing people"

"Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts? Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers"

"Roses are red, Violets are blue... Pornhub is down, your facebook will do ( )"

"God damn auto correct... Always making me say things I didn't Nintendo"

"What's the internal temperature of a Ton-ton? Lukewarm"

"John Madden just died from a heart attack what, you thought this was a joke? the guy's fat and old."