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Joke of the Day

"What do you call an erection you get at a funeral? Mourning wood"

"Wait. I'm not cool cuz I'm home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or...parents? Wow, I'm such a loser."

"Damn girl I like the way you constantly change your profile pic to the one good picture of you from 2008."

"INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?"

"Just once I'd like to see a celebrity show up to the red carpet in jeans and be like, ""Oh, was this today? I was just in the neighborhood."""

"Who needs all those spam emails? I finally found a way to make my penis 8 inches! Just fold it in half."

"*stands on a curb next to a stranger* What if i was this tall"

"Why did the guitarist keep his condoms in his guitar case? He only needed them after he'd opened it."

"I asked a Mexican man how he was voting in the next election. He was on the fence."

"How do you walk a chicken on a leash? You pullet."