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Joke of the Day

"[10 mins into couples therapy] Therapist: I cannot help you two. Me: Let's go, Betsy! See! She doesn't listen! T: GET YOUR DOG OFF MY COUCH!"

"Never feel worthless! Your organs are worth thousands."

"Facebook has really revolutionized how quickly we find out friends from high school gave up on their dreams."

"You couldn't hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands."

"What's 5,000 lbs and sexually confused? A Bi-noceros"

"Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects."

"TIFU by paying $7.99 a month to Hulu Plus instead of Netflix... Whoops, wrong sub."

"u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse's life would literally be the same"

"What is the difference between an amateur archer and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit... The other hoots but can't shit."

"What's Gordon Ramsey's favorite movie? ITS FUCKING [removed]"