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Joke of the Day

"Remember when dresses were slightly longer but still cute, and when I bent over my gender didn't show? I want those back."

"Wanna know how easy it is to sleep with a fat chick? Piece of cake"

"*Pillsbury Doughboy approaches mic* I would like to apologize for my recent actions, but would remind you I never claimed to be a roll model"

"Your face. There's a bat for that."

"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's ok. He woke up."

"What is the easiest way for a stressed astronaut to unwind and decompress? By opening the door."

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world.... ...those who understand Binary, and those who don't."

"[on a first date] ""Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year."""

"The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don't like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there."

"A man was at his dentist when the dentist said ""This is going to hurt a little"" Man: ""That's ok"" Dentist: ""I've been fucking your bitch since last summer"""