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Joke of the Day
"Why do men masturbate? it is sex with someone they love"
Next Joke
"My mom told me that I objectify women. When she asked me why I broke up with my last girlfriend I said ""it didn't work out."" She said ""be more specific."" I said ""I just told you she didn't exercise."""
"[son hands me a picture he painted a school] That's great. Let's just put that in the 'maybe has epilepsy' pile."
"A woman on the subway this morning said ""did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?"" So really, we deserve this."
"How do you make a duck sing soul music? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers."
"What does Bob Marley put on his toast? Peanut butter and jammin!"
"A magician was driving down a street... then suddenly he turned into a driveway."
"If you say ""I knew you were going to say that"" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings."
"[steps off treadmill] ""Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I'm fitn--"" ""Shall I call an ambulance?"" ""Please."""
"Today we honor St. Patrick, the patron saint of puking and peeing."