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Joke of the Day

"Bartender: YOU'RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets? Me: [I try to say ""NO"" but it's just lavender scented bubbles]"

"How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogey in it!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I'M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET"

"""First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO"" - presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish"

"I'd completely forgotten I had a boomerang It just came back to me."

"If you're not part of the solution... You're part of the precipitate."

"I hope ""citibank"" is better at math than spelling."

"I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that's what all my pants are now."

"Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?"

"*eats one piece of lettuce* checks for abs"