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Joke of the Day

"In retrospect, replying ""Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory"", probably wasn't the best way to respond to my therapist."

"What's a 6.9? A good time ruined by a period."

"""30 shots of espresso NOW."" *barista's eyes widen* Whoa what do you do for a living? ""I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!"" *roundhouse kicks barista*"

"How do you stop a dog who's humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick."

"To whoever stole my thesaurus... To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person."

"It takes balls to be a man."

"What did Simba say to his dad when he was moving too slow? Mufasa!"

"How will Trump fund the wall? He'll get the money from *wall* street"

"Someone asked me when the narwhal bacons... ...my response was: ""huh?"""

"Three steps to start a relationship. 1- buy a sheep 2- name it ""relation"" 3- now you have a relationsheep."