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Joke of the Day

"Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can't handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger."

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"I said ""You're not the boss of me"" to my boss and it came true."
"It's the little differences that can be the most important. For example, the difference between getting laid at your high-school reunion and getting laid at your family reunion."
"So what if Putin fudged election So ve it"
"Monster: Doctor doctor I'm a blood-sucking monster and I keep needing to eat doctors. Doctor: Oh what a shame. I'm a dentist."
"I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work."
"What did the bolt say to the nut? ""Washer? I don't even know 'er!"""
"whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him"