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Joke of the Day

"Just saw two homeless people hitting each other with cardboard.... Pillow fight?"

"I have the heart of a lion.. .. and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo."

"DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life."

"Me: *gazes into his eyes* Him: *sweats* M *winks* H: I'm kinda uncomfortable M: But this is love H: It's my job to fill liquor orders, ma'am"

"Other people's children are my form of birth control."

"What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?"

"Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? So that no one find out he fucks chickens."

"What's worse than having your car impounded by the police? Impounding your mother"

"MAGICIAN: think of a card! ME: ok. MAGICIAN: is... this ur card? [holds up card that says ""UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP""] ME: holy crap"

"Harambe walks into a bar Bartender: What can I get for you? Harambe: Just ice for Harambe. Bartender: Sorry, we're out of ice. Best I can give you is a shot."