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Joke of the Day

"My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms; my second wife died of a fractured skull... She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

"Tried to pick up a woman at a cremation once. Got my fingers burnt."

"Did you hear? Tony Romo tried committing suicide after yesterday's game... But the bullet was intercepted."

"What happens when a vampire drinks too much? They get a fangover."

"Looking at a playground, how can you tell which kid is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide and can't swing."

"What's a priest's favorite X-men? A-Men."

"Mike eats all day, that's all he does I guess he's living life to the fullest"

"The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep."

"If a lesbian couple walks into a bar and the black bartender refuses to serve them, whose fault is it? A white male. Duh."

"No lie: When the plane landed I had 9 texts and my 13yr old had 343."