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Joke of the Day

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'."

"UHD TVs are going to be obsoleted next year by the new standard: DBZ It has a a vertical resolution that is over 9000."

"Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween."

"[first day as London tour guide] And over there is the Tower of [frantically flips through guide book for like 20 minutes] Eiffel."

"Me: are you serious? GF: yes I can't take it anymore, you're too unpredictable Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?"

"If a man runs over his wife, who's fault is it? The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?"

"How does Mike Tyson track Will Smith in the snow? He looks for fresh prints."

"What gets bigger every time I see my wife. My wife."

"Wife still out of town. I'm afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services."

"What's the President's favorite vegetable? Barackoli"