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Joke of the Day

"Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, ""Hey, I found you on Twitter"" and other things that will suddenly stop your heart."

"Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green."

"Her: Describe your ideal date. Me: I'd order an extra large pizza. Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing? Me: Oh, you'd be there, too?"

"Teacher: ""Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?"" Student: ""So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"""

"What is the biggest scum-hole in the galaxy? Teddybear junction."

"Oh science, oh science, oh science!!"" ~An atheist having sex."

"How do you know the rules of football was written by an Italian? You switch sides at half time."

"I'm so sick I feel like a white boy at his first Kanye concert (masterpiece)"

"""I don't have time for this shit!"" I thought, as I sat on the toilet, angry, and late for work."

"Misery: Hello there! Company: I have a boyfriend..."