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Joke of the Day

"When I started doing stand-up, I didn't have a lot of my own material, so I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes I still do, but I used to too."

"So I called the suicide hotline earlier... I was answered with, ""Thank you for calling Mr. Archipelago0. We will be processing your request shortly."""

"What's the only disease a potato can get? tuber-culosis"

"Companies want ""rockstar"" employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment."

"Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn't the most romantic move ever."

"The Dutch have invented a continuously-airborne plane. It never lands."

"Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants. Me: These are my legs."

"Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's OK now."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals."

"There are three people in this world The ones that can count, and the ones that cant."