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Joke of the Day

"My daughter told she hates getting glitter on her face I told her it's far better than getting Gary Glitter on her face."

"What do you call a fly when it retires? A flew. BUH DUM TSS! No? Alright.. I'll see myself out."

"""When someone is mad at you, that's THEIR problem"" and other advice from my upcoming book, Where Did All My Friends Go'"

"My friend told me that i don't understand irony... Which was ironic, because we were at a bus stop at the time."

"Just when I think I'm 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots."

"Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money."

"A midget walked into a bar I guess it was set too low."

"9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn't wanna talk about it right now."

"Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs."

"The first gay couple has married in Ireland. Please send best regards to Gerald Fitzpatrick who wedded Patrick Fitzgerald."