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Joke of the Day

"A tip for Snowden. Apparently he is traveling all of the world but if you never want to appear in front of an American judge there is only one place to go... Guantanomo bay"

"[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date] you ever see a horse throw up? ""no"" *smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*"

"They don't set the bar very high in Ireland... It makes the leprechauns angry."

"Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date Wrong We're sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable"

"Why Doesn't Donald Trump Buy Toilet Paper? Because he has some toilet-toupee."

"I Thought having a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant... But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby"

"from Jabba the Hutt's perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him"

"It's impossible to embarrass me because once the door opens on you while you're pooping on an amtrak train, you become untouchable"

"If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don't suspect you at all, they might be the ONE."

"Dave: I don't want to sound stupid.... Me: Then stop right there and say nothing."