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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between god and an engineer God doesn't walk around thinking he's a fuckin engineer. (Told to me by a millwright)"

"[starts chanting in unison] In Unison! In Unison! In Unison! Government Official: I don't know what he wants, all I know is I don't like it."

"I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave ""quicker"""

"[phone rings] ""Hello?"" Hi, is your refrigerator running? ""WTF?"" ...well Hillary is! Hi, I'd like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign."

"Whats black, big, and smelly? An unemployment line.(:"

"Why can't you tell a joke in a cornfield? Because the stalks are all ears."

"I scream, you scream, we all scream because we just witnessed a horrific highway wreck with multiple fatalities."

"Interview: ""What's your greatest weakness?"" *I look at my watch then lean in* How much time do you have?"

"Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise* Velociraptor: Actually it's *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough"

"I peed in my friend's beer before giving it to him... I told him, ""urine for a surprise"""