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Joke of the Day

"My son was upset his personalised number plate name was already taken I'd never seen little YCM-846 so sad before"

"Are you from Russia? Cause I'm Putin deez nuts on yo face."

"What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?"

"Just stole some energy bars from a store. I'm a joule thief."

"Breaking news: The world is running out of plastic. Citizens everywhere say its because of Nicki Minaj's implants."

"For Sale: Parachute Never opened, slightly stained."

"I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet. Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though."

"I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it."

"Why do 9 out of 10 bear moms prefer minivans over sedans? All the extra cubholders."

"""RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"" ""Kraken's not here."" ""What? Ugh! What can we release?"" ""Gary's here."" ""Gary?! Dammit! Fine... RELEASE THE GARY!"""