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Joke of the Day

"[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he's a crossing guard dad"

"I used to think maths was useless but then one day I realised that decimals had a point."

"What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your ass."

"I went to the doctors this morning as I had a strawberry growing from my ear. He gave me some cream for it."

"I need to buy a new alarm clock. The one I have keeps going off while I'm asleep."

"Where can you find a turtle that has no legs? Exactly where you left it."

"Did you hear about the mummy that reached the top 10 with his new album? People say it's cause he has the tightest wraps"

"what idot labeled all the orange juice labels w/ ""no pulp"" insted of ""pulp fiction"""

"About to hit the ball Boss: you said you'd played before? Me: uh yes Boss: that's a putter Me: Is that wrong? Boss: wrong for squash yes"

"Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that."