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Joke of the Day

"Why did Elvis' mom get mad when people called him ""Elvis the pelvis""? Because he had a brother named Enos."

"If you're ever feeling stupid, just remember someone invented a wrench and named it Allen"

"Son: ""Dad, did you get shot in the army?"" Dad: ""No, I only got shot in the leggy."""

"If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority."

"Halloween costume... Guy 1 at Halloween party: Hey look, Steve's wife dressed up like Wonder Woman. Guy 2 at Halloween party: Yeah, it makes you wonder if she's a woman."

"Why can't anxious people walk on tight ropes? Because they're too high-strung. Corny I know, but I wrote it myself and had to put it out there."

"I bought a lamp stand from Ikea... the assistant asked me was I planning on putting it up myself. ""You dirty bastard"" I said, ""It's going in the living room"""

"What do people with huge penises eat for breakfast? Well, I had toast. EDIT: me and /u/Nekovivie weren't expecting you to know. cuz^you^have^a^small^dick"

"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 had a six-shooter"

"The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score."