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Joke of the Day

"My company's health plan is a guy who comes to your house when you're sick and yells, ""DON'T YOU QUIT ON ME!"""

"There were three holes in the ground. Well, well, well."

"What did president Obamas father say when he was born? Oh, He's Barack. pronounced with a bad asian-english accent."

"What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, dang it! BREATHE!"

"Friend: ""I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage."" Me: ""Fred or Ben?"""

"What's the difference between fishing and dating? In one you don't want to jerk the hook, but in the other you don't want to hook the jerk."

"I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off."

"Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? Because his wife is dead."

"Who would win in a fight? A bicycle wheel or an old book? Well, it's hard to say. One's pumped and the other's ripped."

"I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said ""Classy"" and my brain leaked out of my ear."