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Joke of the Day

"ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife* ME: holy shit"

"How many Will Ferrell's does it take to change a light bulb? One, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

"What's the difference between a bug and an insect? Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot."

"Just because I don't talk to you, or text you first, doesn't mean I don't miss you. I'm just waiting for you to miss me."

"Whenever I have trouble getting out of a hot shower, I simply count down from 100. Today I got to -634."

"How are parsley and pubic hair similar? You push them both aside and start eating."

"What did the old Kentucky colonel say when he got his Viagra? The south shall rise again!"

"What do you call a man with one arm? Hand Solo"

"Ladies, don't be sad if your thighs begin to start touching You're becoming a mermaid!"

"Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick."