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Joke of the Day

"Whenever I'm feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits. Today I'm writing my bosses obituary."

"Relationship Status: Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board. I can't even get lucky in the spirit world."

"Your honeymoon can't be going that great if you're incessantly instagramming photos of it?"

"[maid of honor speech] Never thought this day would come! Remember when you came home early & he was wearing your bra & panties [mom faints]"

"I don't care if you're here to murder me we take our shoes off in this house."

"A guy walks in a library: - Do you have motivational books here? - Yes darling, right there, 3rd row, the second shelf. - Do you have any books closer?"""

"[christmas lights are being put up] Every moth ever: oh hell yeah"

"I made a dead body wearing a brassiere disapear. A-bra-cadaver!"

"[at seance] Me: If you truly are a ghost why don't you move this object Ghost: If you truly are a human why don't you get your shit together"

"So I suppose Obi-Gyn Kenobi would have used the forceps?"