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Joke of the Day
"I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 30 years."
Next Joke
"Relationship status: outside my wife's window, holding John Cusack over my head."
"Words can't describe how beautiful you are... But numbers can. 2/10"
"Why can't you starve in a desert? Because of all the sand which is there."
"What do you call a Muslim pilot? A hijacker"
"Q: Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat? A: She wanted to wash up on shore."
"This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes."
"My name is Bjorn and I used to live in California I was Bjorn in the U.S.A. I was Bjorn in the U.S.A. I was Bjorn in the U.S.A."
"So this one time I offered some shrimp to this Jewish friend of mine... Me: This shrimp is great. Wanna try some? Friend: Sorry, I'm Jewish. Me: No, it's free! *from a comic by Cyanide and Happiness*"
"[first date] *Ok don't let her know you're a vampire* ""Would you like a mint?"" *reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000* ""Dammit"""