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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend said, ""Fancy a bit of phone fun tonight?"" I said, ""Yeah, definitely. Let's call your mum and tell her you've died."""

"They say, ""the grass is greener on the other side..."" That's why Pablo, my landscaper, imports my marijuana."

"You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji."

"Why did the puppeteer get out of jail? Because he ""pulled a few strings""!"

"What is the difference between animal abuse and animal cruelty? . . . The size of your dick."

"How much crack did Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men"

"A priest asks a little girl what she knows about the resurrection She says ""I don't know much other than that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor"""

"I don't like adulting... ...just kidding."

"A fish swims into a wall....... Dam."

"I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones."