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Joke of the Day

"I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins"

"The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband."

"[ad for umbrellas] [cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet] ""There must be a better way!"" Voiceover: UMBRELLAS"

"WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one."

"A three legged dog walks into a bar.... And says, ""I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!"""

"Why are Canadians atheist? Because they are Eh-theists."

"Bill cosby is like life They both end up fucking you"

"I keep trying to find my wife's killer But nobody will do it"

"friend gave me an inhaler my friend was dying on the floor and he gave me an inhaler, guess he wanted to give something for me to remember him. weird."

"She's so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei."