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Joke of the Day

"Just saw that I have one unheard message and I didn't even see my phone ring. I hope it's not: a) Work related b) Mel Gibson"

"Dentist: ""You need a crown."" - Patient: ""Finally someone who understands me"""

"I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, ""Because I'm trying to examine you."""

"It's not about the sacrifices you have to make, it's about making sure your knife is sharp and they can't wiggle away."

"*approaches a girl, tips hat* M'lady. *approaches a material girl, tips hat* M'donna."

"You are? Follow instructions. Say - Eye Spell-map Say-ness"

"Actual voice mail: ""Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so...happy face at the end."""

"i'm not sure i cooked this chicken all the way through but you know i've had a good life"

"According to my girlfriend, a small penis shouldn't be a problem in any loving relationship. I still wish she didn't have one though."

"Anyone who gives me flowers makes my whole day. Anyone who gives me anal makes my whole week."