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Joke of the Day

"Why /r/Hillaryclinton is a ghost town All their keyboards have water damage."

"Men are like pillows. Eventually even the best ones get soft and lumpy."

"How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?"

"I guess I'm getting old. Now when I hear ""Pour Some Sugar On Me"" I think of 2 things. Who's cleaning it up and I hope we don't get ants."

"I stepped on an ant hill today and realized I had probably killed a lot of innocent ants. I also killed all the ant rapists so, I'm a hero."

"Retired colonel talking of the good old days: Have you ever hunted bear? His grandson's teacher: No but I've been fishing in shorts."

"If you've never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you're not me."

"20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die."

"I went into a bar and ordered a Bin Laden Two shots and splash of water."

"Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!"