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Joke of the Day

"I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park."

"Why did the Mexican... ... throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila! ... go to the home improvement store in December? Fajitas!"

"[interview for fireman] ""So why do you think you're a good fireman?"" I lit the building on fire ""What?"" Now watch as I try to put it out"

"What do you call a speech so scary it makes you crap your pants? A dire rhetoric."

"I've grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine."

"Me: Wake up 5-year-old: Me: We're late 5: Me: The house is on fire 5: Me: Your sister touched your stuff 5: *barrel rolls out of bed*"

"What's Mario's favorite fruit? Peach."

"Why did the bowler bring two pairs of pants? He wanted a spare in case he had a split."

"[fans out the deck] Pick a card, any card.. Memorize it.. [hits you in the face with a shovel] KING OF SPADES! [walks off]"

"I love babies... ...but I can't finish a whole one."