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Joke of the Day

"Weddings r cool bc u can cry in public about other stuff as long as u look in the general direction of the bride + groom"

"How do you spell anarchy? Any way you fucking want."

"Crazy that we could end poverty by having an airplane drop thousands of inspirational quotes from Facebook on a 3rd world village."

"I love christmas lights! They remind me of my co-workers. They all hang together, half the fuckers don't work, & the others aren't too fuckin' bright."

"Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back? *3 hours later* Her: What are you talking about?"

"My son is an embarrassment, I'm afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth."

"Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick"

"What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus? Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on."

"Why would a dentist make a good airport security guard? They both enjoy a good cavity search!"

"Why do Mexicans make tamales for Christmas? To have something to unwrap."