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Joke of the Day

"Broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb twice before she got a hint."

"""Mommy all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?"" ""No of course not. Now shut up and comb your face."""

"I've started an elimination diet, It's where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet."

"drity What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? Her wedding cake."

"[watches you eat my bday cake] ""I've poisoned that."" ""Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?"" [leans in & winks] ""Poison."""

"Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife? Because he has his own shoulder to cry on. Edit: all credit goes to /u/Earleebird who posted it in a comment in /r/oldschoolcool"

"What do you call a group of dead geologists? Mineral Spirits"

"What did the Ukrainian Scientist receive after discovering the dangers of radiation? A Chernobel Prize."

"Sometimes I think I'm a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am."

"Have I ever taught you South american Judo? Judo know if I have a knife, Judo know if I got a gun."