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Joke of the Day

"I am trying to come up with a joke about the Patriots not winning the Super Bowl but.. I keep having a giant problem with the punchline"

"""Can we talk later? The news is on... Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus."""

"*Runs a bath Me: ok, jump in 3: it's too hot *Adds cold water Me: Ok, get in 3: it's too cold Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks."

"Knock knock. Who's there? Hotel. Hotel who? Ho, tell me where my money is!"

"Mom: Time to wake updog. Son: *groggily* What's updog? Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u? Dad (from hallway): OWNED"

"What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated Milk."

"How do you get a fat lady in a car? Piece of cake."

"You can say what you want about deaf people...."

"The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?"

"Dear hot girls who complain about how men fawn over you, I've got great news: In 20 years, no one will give a fcuk about you. You'll love it"