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Joke of the Day

"[shopping for make-up] ""Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?"" ""I know exactly what you need."" [boots you into the vacuum of deep space]"

"I've wanted to have a conversation with my wife about getting each of us Segways to ride around town in... But whenever I bring it up she always changes the topic."

"It's called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get your face in the picture too? K thanks."

"It might take more muscles to frown than to smile, but it takes even less to completely avoid eye contact in the first place."

"How do magicians hide their boners? The power of missed-erection."

"Dear Hollywood, When you adapt a book into a movie here's a novel idea: try reading it first for a change. Assholes."

"I just saw a man get hit by a car...he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit"

"Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong."

"My sister got a koala I asked her to name it Koka since she can tell everyone she has Koka koala."

"The Russians will probably do well at the World Cup. Today Vladimir Putin gave the Russian team a motivational speech. He said, ""Remember, if you can't beat 'em invade 'em."""