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Joke of the Day

"Twilight drinking game rules: 1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts."

"If I can't stand on a counter top display at Home Depot and shit in the sink then we are truly living in a fascist society."

"I was walking down the street one day and saw a young black man carrying a bike... And thought to myself ""is that mine?"" Then I remembered no. Mine's at home doing the dishes."

"IHTGYATSWTFIM = I had to Google your acronym to see what the fuck it meant."

"Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons."

"I was born during the great depression... My mothers."

"What's the difference between a dirty Greyhound station and a lobster with big breasts? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean."

"I'm extending the weekend one MORE day for everyone. I talked to your boss, (s)he said no problem as long as you dress slutty on wed."

"When I remember trees are alive I like to picture their brain is the roots and the trunk and branches are its legs dangling into the sky."

"""Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"" ""I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"" ""Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"""