69389

Joke of the Day

"My favorite parts of the Bible are when Jesus is alone talking to God (himself) and someone who wasn't there is writing about it."

"My contact lenses just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t."

"I want to congratulate every couple that has gotten to the stage in their relationship where they just stare at each other in disgust."

"Whats the only fruit that can't run away to get married?? A Cantaloupe."

"Auto correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo."

"judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence"

"So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor's home & then taking a nap"

"Wife:Did you take ambien last night? Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that's on fire* No, why? W:The dog's wearing a saddle and she's orange."

"How do you know that you're too old? When the priest doesn't look at you anymore."

"For Halloween I'm giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids'll be shaving away and then BAM - nougat everywhere."