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Joke of the Day

"I was thrown out of the hospital for improper conduct with children Apparently dressing up like the grim reaper and pointing at anti-vaxxer's kids isn't okay."

"I've been saying I'll sleep when I'm dead for so long, I'm starting to really look forward to dying."

"What do you call a Canadian in outer space? An Eh-lien!"

"I'd say he was spineless. Yes about as spineless as cooked spaghetti."

"Where do babies come from? Storks bring white babies. Crows bring black babies. So what brings no babies? Swallows"

"If some people still have ray rice jerseys, keep em. I use mine as a wife beater"

"It takes a village to raise a child... ...it takes a child with a flamethrower to raze a village."

"[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me] Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him"

"I regret to inform you that I've had better lays from a bag of chips."

"My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she'd pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma."