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Joke of the Day

"Today, the doctor told me that the bottom of my heart has stopped functioning. My girlfriend will be disappointed; that's the part I loved her from."

"Me: I've invested heavily in hedgehog funds. You: I think you mean hedge funds. *opens door to roomful of hedgehogs* Me: Nope."

"Waiter there is a fly in my wine ! Well you did ask for something with a little body in it!"

"What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant"

"Sometimes you feel like you've grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce."

"Why do ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies."

"Did you hear about the couple who went on a second honeymoon to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary? This time it was his turn to sit on the edge of the bed and cry because it was too big."

"What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink? I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW"

"3yo: I want to help! Me: You can help by being quiet. 3yo: Me: 3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!"

"Early this morning I was sitting on the beach wondering where the sun was... then it dawned on me"