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Joke of the Day

"*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest* Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza? Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?"

"The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism."

"Me and my twin brother are always finishing each others sentences. The prison wardens are none the wiser."

"I am meeting my twitter crush in a few days and I have officially added ""Please let me wind up in a trunk and not a freezer"" In my prayers"

"Have you ever tried to eat a clock? I heard it's very time consuming."

"""Whoa nice car"" Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels [whispers to friend] ""What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires"""

"When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I'm like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree."

"I never trust atoms They make up everything."

"Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants."

"Me: *to dog* what should I wear today bud? Dog: *pants*"