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Joke of the Day

"there's a portal to another dimension underneath Zooey Deschanel's bangs and I am determined to use it to meet Benjamin Franklin"

"How do you know if you have amnesia? I don't know."

"If you ever Google ""Gary Oldman"" For fuck sakes don't forget the ""r"" in Gary!!!"

"Q: What is Irish and stays on your patio, even when it rains? A: Patty O'Furniture."

"My 40 yard dash time: 5.5 My 40 yard dash time after seeing my gf with my phone in her hands: 4.3"

"Chainsaws: because ""The Texas Weed-whacker Massacre"" just wasn't scary enough"

"I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate."

"What is a worm's favorite city in Alabama? Squirming-ham"

"My teacher dropped the most dad like joke to me today Me: ""Hey can I go to the bathroom?"" Him: ""I sure hope so."" With the biggest proudest smile on his face."

"A sandwich walks into a bar... The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''"