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Joke of the Day

"Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery."

"Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others? Me: Don't flip out, but I feel like you're asking me that to make yourself look smart."

"Me: why do bad things happen to good people? God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles* Me: oh God: *nods solemnly*"

"Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle? CW: Yeah....just surprise me. Me: *comes back with no food* SURPRISE!"

"Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career."

"It's Saturday, so I'm as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag."

"Doctor Doctor you've taken out my tonsils my adenoids my gall bladder my varicose veins and my appendix but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you !"

"Her: You need to text faster Me: Not sure what you just sent. I'm still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago"

"My friend told me it's impossible to avoid cops But I know there's waze."

"Therapist: How's your narcissism? Much better I thin...*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!"""