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Joke of the Day

"I've got an Uncle Rube. I mean he's really my mother's sister's roommate's friend's hairdresser's step-dad, but the effect is the same."

"What do you call a teacher that's always late? Mr. Bus (think about it)"

"Spring is here! (x-post from /r/dadjokes) I'm so excited I wet my plants."

"Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car."

"My girlfriend has accused me of stalking her. Well, technically she's not my girlfriend yet."

"My question is: how did she manage to forget the result?"

"That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you're with your new much younger pizza guy."

"My dad was a magician... He could be walking down the street and turn into a bar."

"[using ouija board] R2...L2....L1....R2...LEFT...DOWN... ""what the hell?"" [everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]"

"Someday I will disappoint a burglar with my one drawer of Taco Bell mild sauce packets."