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Joke of the Day

"Our 2-year-old is entertaining everyone at the restaurant by screeching like a seagull every fifteen seconds."

"My dog did this i was going outside for 5 minutes and I told my dog not to poop in the house. When I came back, he had pooped in the house."

"The thing I like best about smartphones is how they're a prison you keep in your pocket"

"i dropped a chicken mcnugget and I've been on the floor of mcdonalds sobbing the lyrics to how to save a life by the fray for 2 hours"

"Why is Kristen Stewart safe from the Fine Brothers? Because she has no facial expressions so can't react."

"If the British had won, today we'd all be celebrating the Fouurth of July"

"I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin."

"Why is 17 called the ""mother-in-law"" in black jack? Because you wanna hit it, but sometimes you cant."

"*job interview* ""Where do you see yourself in five years?"" ""Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface."""

"I am all for women receiving equal rights and lefts!"