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Joke of the Day

"You've been robbed by *360 spin* A smooooth crimi- *trips over own feet, drops tv, & butt dials police*"

"Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun! EMT: dude your gonna die if you si- Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun"

"I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille.... .....I just love smell of campfires."

"Why can't your penis be 12 inches? Because then it'd be a foot"

"I saw a bunch of youths hitting an old lady. I stopped my car, wound down my window and yelled, ""Excuse me, that's my mother-in-law."" ""And what?"" they replied. ""And she's still moving."""

"Don't play stupid with me.. That's a game you won't win"

"I've set my phone to airplane mode to add more realism to the nausea and turbulence I experience at work."

"Did you hear about the accountant that audited the greengrocer? Sure was a turnip for the books"

"What's the difference between officer Darren Wilson and Michael Brown? Officer Wilson can dodge a bullet"

"When is it okay to spit an arab woman in the face? When her moustache is on fire!"