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Joke of the Day

"I didn't see San Andreas because I heard there's not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, ""It's not your fault."""

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"Two snare drums and a hi-hat fall off a cliff. Bu dum tiss"
"Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it's windy outside. And outside."
"I ordered the Club Salad for lunch.. I asked waitress ""What all comes in the club salad?"" She said ""Lettuce, turnip, the beat"""
"What's with this 'running with scissors' bullshit? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?"
"Cliffhangers I like cliffhangers, and I cannot"
"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way."
"[phone call] Prank caller: Hi, I'd like to speak to Agood Boi Receptionist: who's Agood Boi? Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*"
"In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine... Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came on just as I was filling the can"
"I have two kids, five and seven Silly names I know."