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Joke of the Day

"What's green and has wheels? The grass. I lied about the wheels."

"I still miss my ex-girlfriend occasionally Sometimes I'll get to my hiding spot outside her bedroom window just minutes after she's left"

"My girlfriend knows I love pinball, so she uses just 3 words to let me know when it's sexy time. ""Lock is lit"""

"Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make... Then they don't call me at all."

"We will always be important enough to fit into someone's motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around"

"What's the difference... between racism and Chinese people? - Racism has many faces"

"I swear if one more person RT's poetry into my TL I will draw a bath, light some candles, and just get lost in the verse's haunting imagery."

"Women need to learn how to use Snapchat. It's only for sexting, I don't want to see pictures of your feet or your new perm."

"What was the proudest moment of Bill Clinton's life? When he was given Head Of State"

"HAHA ME AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND QUIT SMOKING TOGETHER NO ONE WILL GET MURDERED FOR SURE."