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Joke of the Day

"5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots? Me: What? 5-year-old: A horse."

"I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home. I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins."

"I want this Twitter account to outlive me by 100 years. I want my grandchildren to read my Tweets and say, ""Holy fuck. She was so weird."""

"What do you call.... Q: What do you call a woman who thinks about sex all the times? A: Nymphomaniac Q: What do you call a man who thinks about sex all the times? A: Normal"

"If I ever go to prison, I know exactly what I'm going to nickname myself... Mitochondria! That way everyone will know I'm the powerhouse of the cell."

"Thought up this joke the other day What's the difference between a deaf dog and a one night stand? The one never comes when he's called and the other never calls after he comes."

"A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier. It's okay, I've got him under Ctrl."

"[2 dogs eating dinner] ""u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great"" [stops chewing] ""why does this taste like chocolate"""

"BRAKING NEWS ... A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case."

"You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she's probably not into you."