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Joke of the Day

"I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker But when I got home, all the signs were there."

"HER: I think we should see other people. ME: I don't. We're awful. We should leave other people alone."

"How you can tell if a person is Irish: a fly lands in their pint of beer. They grab the fly and start shaking it over their beer yelling ""Spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!"""

"Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson? Do you want to be black, or white?"

"My friend once talked me out of jumping off a building with my new homemade glider wings. He said I didnt understand the gravity of the situation."

"The funny thing about strippers and fires... The people that are going to show up are the other most experienced people on a pole."

"When you unfollow me, I find your name on a Coke bottle, shake it up, put it back on the shelf and whisper ""suck it"" under my breath."

"I want to die peacefully, like my grandfather Not screaming, like the people in the bus he was driving."

"Why did the melon insist on having a big wedding? Because it cantaloupe."

"All new Hell's Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she cooks dinner."